him: Rats can tread water for three days straight and can hold their breath for three minutes.
me: Wow. So, drowning a rat is never an option?
me: Lol. I see. Rats scare me
him: I’m dozing. I drunk a bit of brandy
me: Me too. I ate nshima
him: Sleep babe. I just want to go home and shower
me: I thought you were already home
him: I was. But I left my PC at work
me: Oh shame. So, you’re going to get it?
him: I’m at the office now
me: Was looking at your blog
him: Shoot. Lol
me: That poem is about someone or you were just playing around with words?
him: Part truth. Part fiction
Me: I see.
Me: That’s a deep love you must’ve had
him: It is…I mean it was.
Have you ever heard a building fall down? Because that’s the sound that filled my ears, even though my room was deadly quiet. What did I just read..?
Me: I’m just saying. I don’t know how to put it. But you’ve written quite a few pieces about someone. So, yea.
him: Go on
Me: Never known what to say so I’ve never asked. But it seems you cared about this person very deeply
him: How many have you dated?
Me: Sigh. You’re my first relationship with a “real label”. The rest were just myself and other people trying to figure out what we wanted and who we are
him: So, I’m your first love?
Me: No. I was stupid enough to fall in love with someone who had no intention of loving me back.
him: This is where we get it wrong. Love is not about reciprocation
Me: I’ve learnt this now. Boy oh boy have I learnt that lesson well. I just lost a lot of my happiness and peace pining for someone who doesn’t even think about me. Who never even liked me. Even when I convinced myself he did. Even when he showed more interest in my best friend when they hadn’t even met. Who was so mean and so rude to me but I stayed on cos I’m dumb. So yeah. I was stupid
him: You were not stupid. You believed. That is what love is all about.
Me: I made the same mistake again. That is stupid
him: It is not
Me: You’re supposed to learn from your past. Anyway. Why did you ask me how many I dated?
him: I just wanted to know if you have ever truly loved before
Me: I see. Do you truly still love her?
him: Yes, I do.
That crashing building sound again. Suddenly I feel numb and my chest hurts. He loves someone. Someone who isn’t me. a woman I have never met and never will. My mind begins to race and asks questions. Does he prefer her over me? did she touch him better? Kiss him better? Was she there for him more than I am? Less stressful?
Me: Do you truly love me?
him: Yes, I do.
him: I love her. I’m not in love with her.
Me: I understand. Can I ask you a very difficult question?
him: Go ahead.
Me: When we started dating, you said there was someone else you were seeing. Is she still there?
him: Damn. You remember.
I don’t know why I asked that. What was I expecting him to say? ‘ I fell irrevocably in love with you, so I dumped her?’ nah this isn’t it. This isn’t a movie where people fall head over heels in love and everything works out the way the heroine wants it to.
Me: That’s kinda hard to forget But I guess that’s my answer, right?
him: Are you angry with me?
No. I’m angry with me.
Me: Why would I be angry?
him: Why are you asking then?
Me: Babe I just want to know where we stand. Because sometimes you’re a thousand miles away from me physically and emotionally.
him: I get you
“I get you” he says. Plain, phlegmatic and simple. Of in-consequence because that’s what I always say; it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.
Me: And? You still haven’t answered. Or am I not to know?
him: Yes she is. So where do we stand now?
Me: Ok. Where should we stand? I have so many questions but I don’t know if you will answer them.
him: We stand where we have been always. And I will try to answer all your questions.
Me: Ok. When you said you were hoping we could date for marriage, how?? Like what about her? Does she know about me? Is this why you sometimes ignore me? And never have time for me?
Him: Eish. Let me park first.
I’m afraid that him saying he needs to park is a diversion tactic, but I have ten million things going through my mind and dam of tears threatening to burst, so I comply. I wait, for a while and he seems to not be answering. I naturally begin to panic but I control myself. I have a cry and wipe my eyes before calling him. He says he just got home and needs to shower. I wait even more
him: Yes. So here it goes. Question 1.”When you said you were hoping we could date for marriage, how?? Like what about her?” Right now marriage is far from my thoughts. I just want to have a fulfilling relationship with a person I love. It does not need a label or a legal document. It’s not a contract. Question 2. “Does she know about me?” Yes, she does. Question 3. “Is this why you sometimes ignore me? And never have time for me?” No. That’s not the reason.
Me: Marriage is far from your thoughts? But why did you mention it. To appease me? She’s okay with all this? You dating us both at the same time? Is there a reason why you ignore me?
I have answers, but they aren’t answers that I need. I feel lost. Why did he tell me about marriage all those weeks ago? And why did I imagine that I could make a whole person disappear by not thinking about her? I know he says he’s busy but it still doesn’t feel right. We’re all busy aren’t we? His answers help but they open up a whole gateway of more questions that I’m afraid to even ask myself.
him: Yes, she is ok with the whole arrangement. And the reason is simply that I get very busy with work I barely have time for myself…and for us. I didn’t mention marriage to appease you. From the beginning I’ve taken a cautious approach to our dating. Heartbreaks aren’t something worth looking forward to.
me: I know. I was the one that threw myself in 100%. Why though? Why so cautious? Ok never mind. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t go offline…please.
him: What do you mean you don’t know what to do?
me: I love you. I really do.
me: But. Lately you’ve really been putting me last. And to have to fight for your affection between the memory of the lady in the poem and your other girlfriend. Babe I’m tired.
him: You’re tired?
me: I’m selfish. I want 100%. I don’t know. I’ve felt you slipping away from me. I’ve felt you not being here. You’ve hurt me in countless ways and I said it’s how love is. But it’s like I’m not a priority. And I understand. I really do. I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t know. I’ve felt you slipping away from me. I’ve felt you not being here.
This doesn’t seem like the best time to declare a desire for exclusivity. Maybe I should end things. I don’t want to keep being his ‘by the way’.
him: I’m not slipping away. I’m still here. Are you dumping me?
me: But you’re not. You’ll go whole nights without saying goodnight. You disappear. You aren’t as present as you used to be. I don’t know! That’s why I’m crying cos I don’t know what to do.
him: I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. And I do try. Also…to be fair, you knew I wasn’t single when we started so why now?
me: I thought if I didn’t think about her she’d just go away. But that obviously doesn’t make sense
him: What’s different? What happens now?
me: And now knowing that there’s an ex you still love. I don’t know what comes next. My heart is breaking right now. All I wanted was you. Real talk. You still write poems about her. I am stuck between the memory of a woman and a woman I have never met. I can’t live up to any of them. its not a competition but it sure as hell feels like one.
him: And I’m here. And the poems are inspired by.
I send a screen shot of a poem I wrote when I was sad and I missed him. The hurt that I felt that day echoes through my heart. I hate myself for writing that poem and I hate myself more for having to send it to him. But I can’t hate him for making me write it.
me: I can’t remember what happened this day but I wrote this cos I felt so far away from you. You’ve been hurting me a lot lately
him: It’s not deliberate. What would you like me to do?
me: It’s nonetheless painful. I want you to try. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t know anything. I don’t know.
him: Babe. If you want me to try then I will try
me: And what about her?
him: What about her?
me: What happens to her? Doesn’t she want hundred percent from you
him: If she did then she would have told me
me: What happens when I want a date and she does on the same day? What happens when we both want your attention? You can’t just break up with her.
him: I’m trying to be there enough for you babe.
me: But I’m selfish and I want more. I want to be showered with gifts and hold your hand when we go places. And I want your friends to know me and I want to be important in your life. I don’t want to be your secret. And after you told me you’d like for us to date for marriage I thought that maybe you’d open more and tell me more and be there more and love me more
him: This is complicated
He sounds like he doesn’t care. Maybe I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe I’ll never be the woman in the poem or the woman he loved before me. maybe I won’t mean anything to him if I decide to leave. So why can’t I end it???
me: I’m feeling very lost right now
him: Because you want to be lost. We had this sorted out from day one. What happened?
me: Don’t be mean. I’m already hurting as it is
him: I’m not being mean babe
me: I didn’t think you’d build castles for me in the air
him: I’m sorry you feel that way.
me: I’m sorry too
him: Babe I love you
me: Then what are we to do?
him: What we’ve been doing
me: Is it worth it for you? Because. I don’t know. I don’t want for us to date and then when you’ve decided that you do wanna settle down with your other girl, you just leave me hanging. Because I’m clearly not the first place. Sorry to say
him: What makes you think you’re not first place? Also, why is there positions?
What have I gotten myself into? Maybe I should just break up with him…
me: Cos of how you treat me. And 2. It’s impossible to love two people exactly the same. There’ll always be that person who you love more
him: Babe. Don’t do this
me: Do what babe? I’m trying to be honest with the both of us
him: I know you are. I know I love you. I know I want you.
me: But for how long? You made me believe we were in this for the long run
him: And how has this changed?
me: You’ve just told me that you aren’t really thinking about marriage. And that’s something I want I wish you’d never told me that you were hoping we were dating for marriage. It made me hopeful
him: I don’t know what to say anymore.
me: I know. I’m sorry
him: Sorry for?
me: I’m trying to be good and quiet and not let it bother me but the thought has been troubling me for some time.
him: What would you rather I do?
me: That’s why the mood swings and the neediness and getting mad when you don’t respond. I even thought maybe I should give you some space but I love you too much to let you go. I don’t know what to do. There was a time you stopped saying you love me even. And I said I won’t tell him I love him and the next day I said those very words lol. I love you so much. I can’t imagine life without you. But I don’t know.
I’m becoming desperate and incoherent. I’m not making any sense. I’m just pleading now and hoping he will hear me. I’m praying he will hear me.
him: I love you babe
me: I love you too. That’s why I’m confused. Because the more I love the more selfish I want to become over you.
me: So, An impasse?
him: A Mexican stand-off.
me: Lol. I’m not even sure what that means. Never mind. I Googled.
me: Hypothetically speaking; if I leave, will you be okay? I don’t want to hurt you in any possible way. Is this it? I’m gonna be brave enough to dump him?
him: Don’t even think about it.
me: In fact, I’d rather that if we had to break up you would dump me rather than me dump you
him: That won’t happen
me: Mexican stand-off. Never mind.
Him: Yep. Can we discuss this on Monday? Here at my place?
me: I’m free from 13 onwards. You’ll have to buy food. I already know I’ll be hungry lol. Wait. Is that time not okay for you? When would be a good time?
him: Preferred morning. But we’ll see
me: Sure. Whatever happens I want you be happy
him: Come on
me: What? It’s the truth
him: We will be fine.
me: If happy is me staying, I’m staying
him: Staying it is
me: Lol we’re still meeting on Monday
me: OK. What happens between then? Do you need space?
him: I don’t need space. Do you? If you do then its fine
me: No, I don’t. I think I’ll be fine
him: Ill respect your decision
me: I’m fine I promise. I still wanna talk to you. Just scared it will be awkward. Is it awkward for you?
him: It’s not. You’re still my babe
We spoke about it and we came out unscathed. That was nice. But to me, it somehow feels like putting a Band-Aid to a bullet wound. Have I ruined things by finally speaking out? I know we have a lot to talk on Monday, but I also know that we’re probably just gonna end up in bed. Will it be our last time being intimate? I’m scared.
me: Hi. Are we still meeting today?
him: Yes, we are
him: Most likely
me: Ok. Good morning
him: How are you?
me: Not ok. How are you?
him: Good morning to you. What’s wrong?
me: I didn’t sleep well.
him: Why? What happened?
me: PMS symptoms.
him: Have you taken anything for it? If there’s anything even.
me: I will take some painkillers. Hopefully they will relieve me of this pain from the cramps.
him: Please do.
A few hours later…
me: You can start off. I’m free in about fifteen minutes.
Minutes pass… I’m getting worried.
me: Lol you’ve taken forever
him: Imagine. I’m coming though. I’m on my way.
me: Oh okay. You’ll see me outside hungry lion
After a conversation and a couple orgasms later. He drops me off. Being with him makes me so happy, feel so safe and so secure. I love how he knows my body. How he knows exactly where to touch me and when. I love looking into his eyes, and watching his eyebrows crease when he’s enjoying himself a lot. I love him. What will I do without him?
him: Yes babe.
me: Those booty rubs you gave were so awesome. I’m glad things are okay
Him: I’m glad they are too.
Me: Yeah. We’ll be ok.