THE EMPEROR AND HIS CHALICE: THE CHOICE.

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So, I sat there going through a whirlwind of emotions as I listened to her tell me she was leaving. She had made her choice. To be honest, I knew that choice was made days before that moment. She had just delayed the inevitable. Maybe she wasn’t sure. Maybe she was tranna see if we could make it work.

“I can’t be in a relationship where I give a 100% and receive less than that. It’s unfair”. She was right. Why be in a relationship with a person that has half their heart in it? All or nothing right?

So here we were. Part of me wanted to tell her to stay and to fight. But what would she be fighting for if she wasn’t happy? Another part was telling me to let her go. She deserves better. I know I can give her better but not now. And if I can’t give her that now then why hold her back? I thought to myself.  A part of me was proud of her. Here she was standing up for herself and making a difficult decision. I was immensely proud. I don’t know why but the courage it must have took for her to get to this decision. Internally I gave her a standing ovation. I was outraged, hurt, proud and disappointed all at the same time. Who dumps her man a few weeks before their anniversary? That is inconsiderate and selfish. But…what would be more inconsiderate would be to stay in a relationship feigning happiness, all so that the other can be happy. Selfish is forcing the other to stay for your own ends. People have to do the right thing. For them and for others.

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I love her. She is such a special woman. She loves wholly, is kind and considerate, she is funny with the most wholesome smile I have ever seen. she is very intelligent and her vocabulary is as beautiful as she is. Her accent always melts me. Her voice is so rich and the words just roll off her tongue with such ease. I love hearing her talk. Her lovemaking is passionate with orgasms to match. I always tease her about how she walks though. She walks as if she is 30 minutes late for a very important appointment. But maybe that compliments her bubbly and intense nature. She gives a 100% in all she does…even when afraid. That is the woman that was mine. The woman I could have given more had I not been afraid of getting hurt again. The woman that had me at hello. (well, her twitter username and tweets intrigued the heck out of me.) The woman with a beautiful mind that she is sometimes scared to share with the world. A woman that is growing into her own slowly but surely.

We might not be, but she is still my girl. I am super proud of her. I love her.

 

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THE EMPEROR AND HIS CHALICE. ATTENTION; HER PERSPECTIVE.

him: Rats can tread water for three days straight and can hold their breath for three minutes.

me: Wow. So, drowning a rat is never an option?

him: Nope

me: Lol. I see. Rats scare me

him: I’m dozing. I drunk a bit of brandy

me: Me too. I ate nshima

him: Sleep babe. I just want to go home and shower

me: I thought you were already home

him: I was. But I left my PC at work

me: Oh shame. So, you’re going to get it?

him: I’m at the office now

me: Was looking at your blog

him: Shoot. Lol

me: That poem is about someone or you were just playing around with words?

him: Part truth. Part fiction

Me: I see.

him: Yea

Me: That’s a deep love you must’ve had

him: It is…I mean it was.

Have you ever heard a building fall down? Because that’s the sound that filled my ears, even though my room was deadly quiet. What did I just read..?

Me: I’m just saying. I don’t know how to put it. But you’ve written quite a few pieces about someone. So, yea.

him: Go on

Me: Never known what to say so I’ve never asked. But it seems you cared about this person very deeply

him: How many have you dated?

Me: Sigh. You’re my first relationship with a “real label”. The rest were just myself and other people trying to figure out what we wanted and who we are

him: So, I’m your first love?

Me: No. I was stupid enough to fall in love with someone who had no intention of loving me back.

him: This is where we get it wrong. Love is not about reciprocation

Me: I’ve learnt this now. Boy oh boy have I learnt that lesson well. I just lost a lot of my happiness and peace pining for someone who doesn’t even think about me. Who never even liked me. Even when I convinced myself he did. Even when he showed more interest in my best friend when they hadn’t even met. Who was so mean and so rude to me but I stayed on cos I’m dumb. So yeah. I was stupid

him: You were not stupid. You believed. That is what love is all about.

Me: I made the same mistake again. That is stupid

him: It is not

Me: You’re supposed to learn from your past. Anyway. Why did you ask me how many I dated?

him: I just wanted to know if you have ever truly loved before

Me: I see. Do you truly still love her?

him: Yes, I do.

That crashing building sound again. Suddenly I feel numb and my chest hurts. He loves someone. Someone who isn’t me. a woman I have never met and never will. My mind begins to race and asks questions. Does he prefer her over me? did she touch him better? Kiss him better? Was she there for him more than I am? Less stressful?

Me: Do you truly love me?

him: Yes, I do.

Me: …ok.

him: I love her. I’m not in love with her.

Me: I understand. Can I ask you a very difficult question?

him: Go ahead.

Me: When we started dating, you said there was someone else you were seeing. Is she still there?

him: Damn. You remember.

I don’t know why I asked that. What was I expecting him to say? ‘ I fell irrevocably in love with you, so I dumped her?’ nah this isn’t it. This isn’t a movie where people fall head over heels in love and everything works out the way the heroine wants it to.

Me: That’s kinda hard to forget But I guess that’s my answer, right?

him: Are you angry with me?

No. I’m angry with me.

Me: Why would I be angry?

him: Why are you asking then?

Me: Babe I just want to know where we stand. Because sometimes you’re a thousand miles away from me physically and emotionally.

him: I get you

“I get you” he says. Plain, phlegmatic and simple. Of in-consequence because that’s what I always say; it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.

Me: And? You still haven’t answered. Or am I not to know?

him: Yes she is. So where do we stand now?

Me: Ok. Where should we stand? I have so many questions but I don’t know if you will answer them.

him: We stand where we have been always. And I will try to answer all your questions.

Me: Ok. When you said you were hoping we could date for marriage, how?? Like what about her? Does she know about me? Is this why you sometimes ignore me? And never have time for me?

Him: Eish. Let me park first.

I’m afraid that him saying he needs to park is a diversion tactic, but I have ten million things going through my mind and dam of tears threatening to burst, so I comply. I wait, for a while and he seems to not be answering. I naturally begin to panic but I control myself. I have a cry and wipe my eyes before calling him. He says he just got home and needs to shower. I wait even more

Me: Showered?

him: Yes. So here it goes. Question 1.”When you said you were hoping we could date for marriage, how?? Like what about her?” Right now marriage is far from my thoughts. I just want to have a fulfilling relationship with a person I love. It does not need a label or a legal document. It’s not a contract. Question 2. “Does she know about me?” Yes, she does. Question 3. “Is this why you sometimes ignore me? And never have time for me?” No. That’s not the reason.

Me: Marriage is far from your thoughts? But why did you mention it. To appease me? She’s okay with all this? You dating us both at the same time? Is there a reason why you ignore me?

I have answers, but they aren’t answers that I need. I feel lost. Why did he tell me about marriage all those weeks ago? And why did I imagine that I could make a whole person disappear by not thinking about her? I know he says he’s busy but it still doesn’t feel right. We’re all busy aren’t we? His answers help but they open up a whole gateway of more questions that I’m afraid to even ask myself. 

him: Yes, she is ok with the whole arrangement. And the reason is simply that I get very busy with work I barely have time for myself…and for us. I didn’t mention marriage to appease you. From the beginning I’ve taken a cautious approach to our dating. Heartbreaks aren’t something worth looking forward to.

me: I know. I was the one that threw myself in 100%. Why though? Why so cautious? Ok never mind. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t go offline…please.

him: What do you mean you don’t know what to do?

me: I love you. I really do.

him: But?

me: But. Lately you’ve really been putting me last. And to have to fight for your affection between the memory of the lady in the poem and your other girlfriend. Babe I’m tired.

him: You’re tired?

me: I’m selfish. I want 100%. I don’t know. I’ve felt you slipping away from me. I’ve felt you not being here. You’ve hurt me in countless ways and I said it’s how love is. But it’s like I’m not a priority. And I understand. I really do. I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t know. I’ve felt you slipping away from me. I’ve felt you not being here.

This doesn’t seem like the best time to declare a desire for exclusivity. Maybe I should end things. I don’t want to keep being his ‘by the way’.

 him: I’m not slipping away. I’m still here. Are you dumping me?

me: But you’re not. You’ll go whole nights without saying goodnight. You disappear. You aren’t as present as you used to be. I don’t know! That’s why I’m crying cos I don’t know what to do.

him: I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. And I do try. Also…to be fair, you knew I wasn’t single when we started so why now?

me: I thought if I didn’t think about her she’d just go away. But that obviously doesn’t make sense

him: What’s different? What happens now?

me: And now knowing that there’s an ex you still love. I don’t know what comes next. My heart is breaking right now. All I wanted was you. Real talk. You still write poems about her. I am stuck between the memory of a woman and a woman I have never met. I can’t live up to any of them. its not a competition but it sure as hell feels like one.

him: And I’m here. And the poems are inspired by.

I send a screen shot of a poem I wrote when I was sad and I missed him. The hurt that I felt that day echoes through my heart. I hate myself for writing that poem and I hate myself more for having to send it to him. But I can’t hate him for making me write it.

me: I can’t remember what happened this day but I wrote this cos I felt so far away from you. You’ve been hurting me a lot lately

him: It’s not deliberate. What would you like me to do?

me: It’s nonetheless painful. I want you to try. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t know anything. I don’t know.

him: Babe. If you want me to try then I will try

me: And what about her?

him: What about her?

me: What happens to her? Doesn’t she want hundred percent from you

him: If she did then she would have told me

me: What happens when I want a date and she does on the same day? What happens when we both want your attention? You can’t just break up with her.

him: I’m trying to be there enough for you babe.

me: But I’m selfish and I want more. I want to be showered with gifts and hold your hand when we go places. And I want your friends to know me and I want to be important in your life. I don’t want to be your secret. And after you told me you’d like for us to date for marriage I thought that maybe you’d open more and tell me more and be there more and love me more

him: This is complicated

He sounds like he doesn’t care. Maybe I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe I’ll never be the woman in the poem or the woman he loved before me. maybe I won’t mean anything to him if I decide to leave. So why can’t I end it???

me: I’m feeling very lost right now

him: Because you want to be lost. We had this sorted out from day one. What happened?

Ouch.

 me: Don’t be mean. I’m already hurting as it is

him: I’m not being mean babe

me: I didn’t think you’d build castles for me in the air

him: I’m sorry you feel that way.

me: I’m sorry too

him: Babe I love you

me: Then what are we to do?

him: What we’ve been doing

me: Is it worth it for you? Because. I don’t know. I don’t want for us to date and then when you’ve decided that you do wanna settle down with your other girl, you just leave me hanging. Because I’m clearly not the first place. Sorry to say

him: What makes you think you’re not first place? Also, why is there positions?

What have I gotten myself into? Maybe I should just break up with him…

me: Cos of how you treat me. And 2. It’s impossible to love two people exactly the same. There’ll always be that person who you love more

him: Babe. Don’t do this

me: Do what babe? I’m trying to be honest with the both of us

him: I know you are. I know I love you. I know I want you.

me: But for how long? You made me believe we were in this for the long run

him: And how has this changed?

me: You’ve just told me that you aren’t really thinking about marriage. And that’s something I want I wish you’d never told me that you were hoping we were dating for marriage. It made me hopeful

him: I don’t know what to say anymore.

me: I know. I’m sorry

him: Sorry for?

me: I’m trying to be good and quiet and not let it bother me but the thought has been troubling me for some time.

him: What would you rather I do?

me: That’s why the mood swings and the neediness and getting mad when you don’t respond. I even thought maybe I should give you some space but I love you too much to let you go. I don’t know what to do. There was a time you stopped saying you love me even. And I said I won’t tell him I love him and the next day I said those very words lol. I love you so much. I can’t imagine life without you. But I don’t know.

I’m becoming desperate and incoherent. I’m not making any sense. I’m just pleading now and hoping he will hear me. I’m praying he will hear me.

 him: I love you babe

me: I love you too. That’s why I’m confused. Because the more I love the more selfish I want to become over you.

Silence. Crickets.

me: So, An impasse?

him: A Mexican stand-off.

me: Lol. I’m not even sure what that means. Never mind. I Googled.

Crickets.

me: Hypothetically speaking; if I leave, will you be okay? I don’t want to hurt you in any possible way. Is this it? I’m gonna be brave enough to dump him?

him: Don’t even think about it.

me: In fact, I’d rather that if we had to break up you would dump me rather than me dump you

him: That won’t happen

me: Mexican stand-off. Never mind.

Him: Yep. Can we discuss this on Monday? Here at my place?

me: Okay.

him: Awesome

me: I’m free from 13 onwards. You’ll have to buy food. I already know I’ll be hungry lol. Wait. Is that time not okay for you? When would be a good time?

him: Preferred morning. But we’ll see

me: Sure. Whatever happens I want you be happy

him: Come on

me: What? It’s the truth

him: We will be fine.

me: If happy is me staying, I’m staying

him: Staying it is

me: Lol we’re still meeting on Monday

him: Yes

me: OK. What happens between then? Do you need space?

him: I don’t need space. Do you? If you do then its fine

me: No, I don’t. I think I’ll be fine

him: Ill respect your decision

me: I’m fine I promise. I still wanna talk to you. Just scared it will be awkward. Is it awkward for you?

him: It’s not. You’re still my babe

We spoke about it and we came out unscathed. That was nice. But to me, it somehow feels like putting a Band-Aid to a bullet wound. Have I ruined things by finally speaking out? I know we have a lot to talk on Monday, but I also know that we’re probably just gonna end up in bed. Will it be our last time being intimate? I’m scared.

me: Hi. Are we still meeting today?

him: Yes, we are

me: Ten?

him: Most likely

me: Ok. Good morning

him: How are you?

me: Not ok. How are you?

him: Good morning to you. What’s wrong?

me: I didn’t sleep well.

him: Why? What happened?

me: PMS symptoms.

him: Have you taken anything for it? If there’s anything even.

me: I will take some painkillers. Hopefully they will relieve me of this pain from the cramps.

him: Please do.

A few hours later…

me: You can start off. I’m free in about fifteen minutes.

Minutes pass… I’m getting worried.

me: Lol you’ve taken forever

him: Imagine. I’m coming though. I’m on my way.

me: Oh okay. You’ll see me outside hungry lion

After a conversation and a couple orgasms later. He drops me off. Being with him makes me so happy, feel so safe and so secure. I love how he knows my body. How he knows exactly where to touch me and when. I love looking into his eyes, and watching his eyebrows crease when he’s enjoying himself a lot. I love him. What will I do without him?

me: Baby

him: Yes babe.

me: Those booty rubs you gave were so awesome. I’m glad things are okay

Him: I’m glad they are too.

Me: Yeah. We’ll be ok.

THE EMPEROR AND HIS CHALICE: ATTENTION; HIS PERSPECTIVE.

 

Me: Rats can tread water for three days straight and can hold their breath for three minutes.

Her: Wow. So, drowning a rat is never an option?

Me: Nope

Her: Lol. I see. Rats scare me

Me: I’m dozing. I drunk a bit of brandy

Her: Me too. I ate nshima

Me: Sleep babe. I just want to go home and shower

Her: I thought you were already home

Me: I was. But I left my PC at work

Her: Oh shame. So, you’re going to get it?

Me: I’m at the office now

Her: Was looking at your blog

Me: Shoot. Lol

Her: That poem is about someone or you were just playing around with words?

Me: Part truth. Part fiction

Her: I see.

Me: Yea

Her: That’s a deep love you must’ve had

Me: It is…I mean it was.

I look at my screen and wonder if I have fucked up with the last words.

Her: I’m just saying. I don’t know how to put it. But you’ve written quite a few pieces about someone. So, yea.

Me: Go on

Her: Never known what today so I’ve never asked. But it seems you cared about this person very deeply

Me: How many have you dated?

I do not know why I asked this question but a part of me was to change the subject somewhat and or to make her realise that some wounds cannot be healed no matter how good your nurse or doctor is.

Her: Sigh. You’re my first relationship with a “real label”. The rest were just myself and other people trying to figure out what we wanted and who we are

Me: So, I’m your first love?

Her: No. I was stupid enough to fall in love with someone who had no intention of loving me back.

Me: This is where we get it wrong. Love is not about reciprocation

Her: I’ve learnt this now. Boy oh boy have I learnt that lesson well. I just lost a lot of my happiness and peace pining for someone who doesn’t even think about me. Who never even liked me. Even when I convinced myself he did. Even when he showed more interest in my best friend when they hadn’t even met. Who was so mean and so rude to me but I stayed on cos I’m dumb. So yeah. I was stupid

Me: You were not stupid. You believed. That is what love is all about.

Her: I made the same mistake again. That is stupid

Me: It is not

Her: You’re supposed to learn from your past.  Anyway. Why did you ask me how many I dated?

Me: I just wanted to know if you have ever truly loved before

Her: I see. Do you truly still love her?

Me: Yes, I do.

Did I just tell her I love another woman? What is wrong with me? Some things are better left unsaid or…maybe I should have told her a lie. What did Klaus Mikaelson say about love? “From all the poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on the pain of being the object of that affection. The truth is, Hayley, it’s not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It’s the decency of merciful lies.” But…I hate lying to people I care about. I know Exile (now known as Izrael) said something like “nganalikwebele fishinka walefwaya. Teti unjele nakalya. Nikakuiza vachendi. You are not going to love me anymore”. Loose translation being, if I told you the truth you craved you would never forgive me. If I tell you the truth, you are not going to love me anymore. But here I am telling her the truth. Maybe it’s my way of freeing her from any guilt or insecurity she may be feeling. Maybe I’m giving her a choice.

Her: Do you truly love me?

Me: Yes, I do.

Her: …ok.

I can tell she is not satisfied with my response. I can also tell that she thinks I’m lying. But then again…it’s my assumption. So I say the next best thing in the hope to dilute the impact of what I have just told her.

Me: I love her. I’m not in love with her.

Her: I understand. Can I ask you a very difficult question?

Me: Go ahead.

Her: When we started dating, you said there was someone else you were seeing. Is she still there?

Me: Damn. You remember.

Why the fuck have I just said that though? Like…why would she forget? I know we haven’t spoken about it in a long while but I knew she thought about it. I never brought it up out of respect for what we have. Out of respect for her. But here she was laying that conveniently omitted truth bare for us to discuss. I honestly don’t know what to do. What do I say?

Her: That’s kinda hard to forget But I guess that’s my answer, right?

Me: Are you angry with me?

Diversion alert. This is silly of me. I need to man up and answer her truthfully and in the right manner.

Her: Why would I be angry?

Me: Why are you asking then?

Her: Babe I just want to know where we stand. Because sometimes you’re a thousand miles away from me physically and emotionally.

Me: I get you

I feel like Rick from Set It Up when he went to see his lady crush to apologise with a simple “I see you”. LOL. This is wrong on so many levels.

Her: And? You still haven’t answered. Or am I not to know?

Me: Yes she is. So where do we stand now?

Her: Ok. Where should we stand? I have so many questions but I don’t know if you will answer them.

Me: We stand where we have been always. And I will try to answer all your questions.

Her: Ok. When you said you were hoping we could date for marriage, how?? Like what about her?

Does she know about me? Is this why you sometimes ignore me? And never have time for me?

Me: Eish. Let me park first.

Truth is I really need to park before I can answer any of these questions. Also…I need to answer them truthfully but tactfully. Rash answers might get me dumped…worse still, they might her feelings and I don’t want to do that.

 I get home and I receive a call from her soon as I sit down on my bed. I tell her I just got home and I need to shower first. I will call or text her back as soon as I am done.

Her: Showered?

Me: Yes. So here it goes. Question 1.”> When you said you were hoping we could date for marriage, how?? Like what about her?” Right now marriage is far from my thoughts. I just want to have a fulfilling relationship with a person I love. It does not need a label or a legal document. It’s not a contract. Question 2.  “Does she know about me?” Yes, she does. Question 3. “Is this why you sometimes ignore me? And never have time for me?” No. That’s not the reason.

Her: Marriage is far from your thoughts? But why did you mention it. To appease me? She’s okay with all this? You dating us both at the same time? Is there a reason why you ignore me?

Me: Yes, she is ok with the whole arrangement. And the reason is simply that I get very busy with work I barely have time for myself…and for us. I didn’t mention marriage to appease you. From the beginning I’ve taken a cautious approach to our dating. Heartbreaks aren’t something worth looking forward to.

Her: I know. I was the one that threw myself in 100%. Why though? Why so cautious? Ok never mind. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t go offline…please.

Me: What do you mean you don’t know what to do?

Her: I love you. I really do.

Me: But?

Her: But. Lately you’ve really been putting me last. And to have to fight for your affection between the memory of the lady in the poem and your other girlfriend. Babe I’m tired.

Me: You’re tired?

Her: I’m selfish. I want 100%. I don’t know. I’ve felt you slipping away from me. I’ve felt you not being here. You’ve hurt me in countless ways and I said it’s how love is. But it’s like I’m not a priority. And I understand. I really do. I don’t want to hold you back. > I don’t know. I’ve felt you slipping away from me. I’ve felt you not being here

Me: I’m not slipping away. I’m still here. Are you dumping me?

Her: But you’re not.  You’ll go whole nights without saying goodnight. You disappear. You aren’t as present as you used to be. I don’t know! That’s why I’m crying cos I don’t know what to do.

Me: I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. And I do try. Also…to be fair, you knew I wasn’t single when we started so why now?

Her: I thought if I didn’t think about her she’d just go away. But that obviously doesn’t make sense

Me: What’s different? What happens now?

Her: And now knowing that there’s an ex you still love. I don’t know what comes next. My heart is breaking right now. All I wanted was you. Real talk. You still write poems about her.

Me: And I’m here. And the poems are inspired by.

What the fuck am I saying? Inspired by? Like that makes a freaking difference. Get a hold of yourself and stay accountable. Stop tranna make excuses or dodge her very genuine concerns. She sends me a screenshot of a poem she wrote about loneliness and a lack of attention. I can feel the sadness in her words and that hurts me. Fuck is wrong with me?

Her: I can’t remember what happened this day but I wrote this cos I felt so far away from you. You’ve been hurting me a lot lately

Me: It’s not deliberate. What would you like me to do?

Her: It’s nonetheless painful. I want you to try. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t know anything. I don’t know.

Me: Babe. If you want me to try then I will try

Her: And what about her?

Me: What about her?

Her: What happens to her? Doesn’t she want hundred percent from you

Me: If she did then she would have told me

Her: What happens when I want a date and she does on the same day? What happens when we both want your attention? You can’t just break up with her.

Me: I’m trying to be there enough for you babe.

Her: But I’m selfish and I want more. I want to be showered with gifts and hold your hand when we go places. And I want your friends to know me and I want to be important in your life. I don’t want to be your secret. And after you told me you’d like for us to date for marriage I thought that maybe you’d open more and tell me more and be there more and love me more

Me: This is complicated

Her: I’m feeling very lost right now

Me: Because you want to be lost. We had this sorted out from day one. What happened?

Her: Don’t be mean. I’m already hurting as it is

Me: I’m not being mean babe

Her: I didn’t think you’d build castles for me in the air

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Her: I’m sorry too

Me: Babe I love you

Her: Then what are we to do?

Me: What we’ve been doing

Her: Is it worth it for you? Because. I don’t know. I don’t want for us to date and then when you’ve decided that you do wanna settle down with your other girl, you just leave me hanging. Because I’m clearly not the first place. Sorry to say

Me: What makes you think you’re not first place? Also, why is there positions?

I think this is fuckboy territory I’m heading into now. A part of me is telling me to let her go. Another is telling me that she has the choice and it’s up to her.

Her: Cos of how you treat me. And 2. It’s impossible to love two people exactly the same. There’ll always be that person who you love more

Me: Babe. Don’t do this

Her: Do what babe? I’m trying to be honest with the both of us

Me: I know you are. I know I love you. I know I want you.

Her: But for how long? You made me believe we were in this for the long run

Me: And how has this changed?

Her: You’ve just told me that you aren’t really thinking about marriage. And that’s something I want. I wish you’d never told me that you were hoping we were dating for marriage. It made me hopeful

Me: I don’t know what to say anymore.

I’m officially an idiot.

Her: I know. I’m sorry

Me: Sorry for?

Her: I’m trying to be good and quiet and not let it bother me but the thought has been troubling me for some time.

Me: What would you rather I do?

Her: That’s why the mood swings and the neediness and getting mad when you don’t respond. I even thought maybe I should give you some space but I love you too much to let you go. I don’t know what to do. There was a time you stopped saying you love me even.  And I said I won’t tell him I love him and the next day j said those very words lol. I love you so much. I can’t imagine life without you. But I don’t know

Me: I love you babe

Her: I love you too. That’s why I’m confused. Because the more I love the more selfish I want to become over you.

Silence. Crickets.

Her: So, An impasse?

Me: A Mexican stand-off.

Her: Lol. I’m not even sure what that means. Never mind. I Googled.

Crickets.

Her: Hypothetically speaking; if I leave, will you be okay? I don’t want to hurt you in any possible way.

Me: Don’t even think about it.

Her: In fact, I’d rather that if we had to break up you would dump me rather than me dump you

Me: That won’t happen

Her: Mexican stand-off

Me: Yep. Can we discuss this on Monday? Here at my place?

Her: Okay.

Me: Awesome

Her: I’m free from 13 onwards. You’ll have to buy food. I already know I’ll be hungry lol. Wait. Is that time not okay for you? When would be a good time?

Me: Preferred morning. But we’ll see

Her: [Sure. Whatever happens I want you be happy

Me: Come on

Her: What? It’s the truth

Me: We will be fine.

Her: If happy is me staying, I’m staying

Me: Staying it is

Her: Lol we’re still meeting on Monday

Me: Yes

Her: OK. What happens between then? Do you need space?

Me: I don’t need space. Do you? If you do then its fine

Her: No, I don’t. I think I’ll be fine

Me: Ill respect your decision

Her: I’m fine I promise. I still wanna talk to you. Just scared it will be awkward. Is it awkward for you?

Me: It’s not. You’re still my babe
We spoke about it and we came out unscathed. That was nice. I wonder how long she will be cool with this though. She was ok with it first time but now that she has grown to love me things have changed. She wants more. She wants an exclusive relationship. I understand her to be honest. I’m being unfair and selfish to her by holding on to the other woman…even if she knew how the relationship was from the beginning. Also…I’ve given her a choice, right? Or am I foolish to think that there is one? Can’t wait to see her on Monday. Hopefully we can come to a conclusion and move forward with our relationship without losing anything from either end.

Her: Hi. Are we still meeting today?

Me: Yes, we are

Her: Ten?

Me: Most likely

Her: Ok. Good morning

Me: How are you?

Her: Not ok. How are you?

Me: Good morning to you. What’s wrong?

Her: I didn’t sleep well.

Me: Why? What happened?

Her: PMS symptoms.

Me: Have you taken anything for it? If there’s anything even.

Her: I will take some painkillers. Hopefully they will relieve me of this pain from the cramps.

Me: Please do.

A few hours later…

Her: You can start off. I’m free in about fifteen minutes.

Minutes pass…

Her: Lol you’ve taken forever

Me: Imagine. I’m coming though. I’m on my way.

Her: Oh okay. You’ll see me outside hungry lion

After a conversation and a couple orgasms later. I drop her off. She really is a passionate and intense lover. Her orgasms are very expressive and loud. They have a life of their own. I love it when she convulses and crashes on top or beneath me when she climaxes. It fills me with joy.

Her: Baby

Me: Yes babe.

Her: Those booty rubs you gave were so awesome. I’m glad things are okay

Me: I’m glad they are too.

Her: Yeah. We’ll be OK.

FREE BIRD: BIRD ON THE WINDOW SILL.

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I choked you with my love till you could no longer breathe

…and we could no longer be.

I drowned you in my affection knowing fully well you could not swim

…and we could no longer be.

I plunged you deep into my dreams for us…for me

And your dreams were covered in pitch black darkness till you could no longer see.

I suppressed your joy…albeit unintentionally

Until the laughter turned to croaking wails and the smile on your face became a show of teeth.

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I loved you in my own way…but my way was not your way and you made it known.

What good is it to love unrequited and yet smother the recipient?

Caged birds don’t sing. Caged birds live with clipped wings.

I let my bird go because i loved my bird so.

Lately…my little bird has been singing from outside my window.

 

PS: See quote below.

  1. Crows, ravens, and blackbirds bring news of good passage and protection.
  2. Hawks represent clear-sightedness and vision.
  3. Owls are birds of ill omen.
  4. When a hummingbird hovers nearby, it means you are capable of achieving the impossible.
  5. A bird in the house means different things depending on the type and its behavior.
  6. When a bird flies in the window, you may encounter an obstacle in your life soon.
  7. If a bird follows you, it wants to be your guardian.
  8. Augury is using the flight patterns of birds to answer life questions.
  9. Dead birds represent metaphysical death and change.

by Nicole Canfield on Exemplore

ONLY UNTIL THE CIGARETTE HAS ENDED.

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“They say the passage of time will heal all wounds, but the greater the loss, the deeper the cut and the more difficult the process to become whole again. The pain may fade, but scars serve as a reminder of our suffering and make the bearer all the more resolved never to be wounded again. So as time moves along we get lost in distractions, act out in frustration, react with aggression, give in to anger, and all the while we plot and plan as we wait to grow stronger, and before we know it, the time passes. We are healed. Ready to begin anew.” – Klaus Mikaelson, #TheOriginals S1 E17
There has never been a deeper and more truer quote than this. And sometimes…the shit we expose ourselves to while we are processing loss or grief has way of striking a chord so deep the note resonates even after the instrument it was struck from has gathered dust. That’s the beauty of it all right? Like…we are not the first so there is second hand experience (processed and defeated or victorious) that we can draw from. Sad as it may that the relief comes from another’s anguished state…misery does love company. This could explain why broken souls connect no matter how toxic the outcome or the whole journey is.
 
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We just want to know that someone out there relates or understands what we are going through. That we are not alone.
 
Why do we build walls? because “the pain may fade, but scars serve as a reminder of our suffering and make the bearer all the more resolved never to be wounded again”
 
NB: Shallows by Daughter is such an amazing song.

YOU.

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I have been thinking about you a lot lately. About how i still love you after all this time.

About how you make me smile and sad at the same time.

I wonder if you are OK…if you are doing fine. I pray life is kinder to you now than it has ever been.

i pray that God pours favor upon favor upon you. I pray that your days are filled with nothing but joy and happiness.

I pray that your days are filled with laughter. The type of laughter that leaves tears streaming down your eyes.

I pray that you go to bed worrying only about what you will wear tomorrow cos your closet is full and nothing else.

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I pray that you find a love that will keep you warm and protected and safe at all times. A love so fulfilling. I pray this love knows that you don’t like pawpaw in your smoothie. Or that you are scared of elevators. Or that you love kissing as much as you love hugs. Or that you love chocolate and comedy and poetry.

I pray that you never stop giving your all when in love.

I pray for you.

MOVIES: SET IT UP

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I was watching Set It Up yesterday and a few things popped out at me.

1. Taye Diggs was super convincing as Rick. I loved his role. Dude had me laughing the whole time.

2. Lucy Liu should not have been in that movie.

3. Titus Burgess was funny as fuck as Creepy Tim.

4. Mike is prolly the kind of man we all need to be. I mean…he was so confident and comfortable even when his fiancee would talk about the guys she smashed or when she would say some shit that would prolly seem insensitive and angering (speaking from a patriarchal background here folks) he just stood there and either chipped in or laughed about it. Bro is goals i swear.

5. Most importantly, this quote had me seeing things in a clearer perspective >>>> “You like because, and you love despite. You like someone because of all of their qualities, and you love someone despite some of their qualities. And I like you almost as much as I love you.” <<<< suddenly someone had cut onions in the house and stuff.

Please watch it. Funny movie.

“YOU LIKE BECAUSE. YOU LOVE DESPITE.”