Love Me For Me.

Molo

A few days ago I was having a conversation about love and relationships with my 8 year old daughter and she hit me with this…”I want someone who will love me for me and not for who they want me to be”. That’s word for word. I was taken aback by her statement as I didn’t expect it from an 8 year old.

I’ve been thinking about her words for a few days now. In my mind I’m questioning each and every relationship I’ve ever been involved in and wondering whether I loved them for who they were and not for who I wanted them to be. For those I loved anyway.

How do you love someone for who they are? Is it by accepting them flaws and all? Not judging them for who they are or what they are? How? This is pretty difficult if I do say so myself. I mean, we all have certain standards and traits that we look for in our significant others. Sometimes those things might not be there at the beginning but those can be moulded into people. But…is that loving someone for who they are?

You meet a girl or boy and they make you feel a certain type of happy way. You find yourself deeply in love with the person except you don’t like…the way they dress or the way they eat. Or the fact that they put cereal in milk and not milk in cereal. You know…the small but big things? So you buy them clothes so that they start looking how you want them to. You tell them you prefer them without their make up on. You make breakfast for them so that you don’t have to grind your teeth watching them make it. And so on and so forth. It looks innocent but ultimately we are changing the small things that make the other person them.

Earlier today I had a conversation with a friend about dating. I asked her about the new man in her life and she said she had “put him on the shelf”. I asked why and she said she didn’t like how he does this or that. How he is stuck up in an awkward way and how he is not sophisticated as he pretends to be. Basically, she hates his pretentious self. Well, I don’t know the guy so I couldn’t say much but I got a feeling he is a great guy who happens to have a few small but big things that make him sorta unattractive. So…would she find him more attractive if he didn’t have those issues? Would she learn to love him for who he is and not for who he thinks she wants him to be? I don’t know.

Purrpetual

And sometimes the small but big things can completely change the way you view yourself and the way you view love.

My first attempt at something that looked like love, was me constantly being told I was either too intimidating or I dressed inadequately. There was no mention of clothes being bought for me, I just had to…fix it. I felt like I wouldn’t be loved if I wasn’t a certain way, a way that wasn’t me. I left that relationship quick as I could but the next one I found myself in, I was faced with the exact same brick wall.

I began to think maybe there was something wrong with me. I was even sent a book on how to be perfect!

Loving someone for who they are certainly isn’t easy. It’s not about settling for what you don’t like, but it’s not exactly looking past flaws.

Maybe it’s the decision to love because of flaws? After all, our flaws are a huge part of who we are.

Molo

My daughter left me asking questions I either don’t have answers to or are scared to answer. I’d like to hear what you think. Please leave a comment.

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Fight.

Photo Credit: Song Of Renewal by Rowye

My guava tree is burnt almost 80% I thought I should cut it down. But for weeks I have pondered on it wondering how best I could use it as an aesthetic feature without having to cut it down. I thought of turning it into a garden art piece etc. Then a few weeks ago I noticed something. The tree was fighting for its life. It was regenerating. This morning I looked at it and saw life. New small branches forming and leaves as green as…envy. Such resilience.

Live life like that guava tree
Even when life doesn’t turn out to be what we envisioned it to be
Don’t wither or die
Strive to survive
Fight.

Even when you get burnt and you feel you can’t take it
When your secrets are poured out and insecurities bared out and you’re left feeling naked
When all you feel is hurt and despair
And you feel like you no longer have a love to share
Fight.

When your soul is dark and your heart is heavy
When razor blades to your wrists sounds awfully tempting.
Realise that it will be alright
If you just fight.

Let It Go.

Momma said

…son one day you’ll get burnt. But don’t lose your will to love.

Times never stay the same. Times do change. Time will heal a broken heart.

Never lose yourself. Love like you’ve never loved.

And I know it will hurt but time is always there for us.

So let it go

So let it go

So let it go

So let it go

And then you’ll grow

Poppa said

…son you gotta have a thick skin. Don’t let nothing tear you apart.

Never ever…ever…ever play the victim. Man up and just play your part.

Take responsibility for your actions. That is what will set you apart.

But don’t be burdened by the things from your past. There’s light after the dark.

So let it go

So let it go

So let it go

So let it go

And then you’ll grow.

Let peace reign within your heart.

Don’t despair just because of rainy clouds. For the water from the rain is good for the harvest.

Let God bless you. Please keep on loving.

The Mind Remembers…

I leisurely walk through my mind’s library looking for a book to read.

Half the aisle, if not more, has your name and picture on it as far as my eyes can see.

The mind remembers what the heart refuses to forget.

In those moments I try to stay guarded but…what is there to protect?

You Laughed At Me.

You came to me in my dreams last night. I was happy you did. I was sad you did. It’s weird. I came to your room. And there you lay naked. You asked me to lay next to you and I obliged. I noticed you were wet and I tried to touch you. You pushed my hand away and laughed at me. You said you could please yourself. You said you’d found a man who did it better. You looked at me and told me to force myself on you if I dared. “Why would you tell me that?” I asked. You laughed at me again. Then you touched yourself and squirted all over the sheets. “See? I don’t need you. You’re nothing to me now. You’re just the man in the shadows.” I looked at you with tears in my eyes. You laughed at me again. “I’m on different levels now. You were a phase. A stepping stone. Your lovemaking is that of a ghetto youth. It lacks class and grace.” You laughed at me again. “You’re not my type fam. I don’t even know what I saw in you. I don’t even know how I stayed this long with you. I’m disgusted with myself for it. Get out of my bed. You’re staining it.” You laughed at me.

I Have A Needle And Thread.

So this is where we are
I have a band aid in my hand
But a band aid
Won’t heal a broken heart.
I have a needle and thread
But what good are stitches for the dead?

Is this a cross road?
Are they choices presented
In front of me?
Is left or right
Really a choice
Or an obligation?
Or do I have a mandate
To walk in the direction
You prod me in.

So this is where we stand.
Hands clasped
And hearts miles apart.
And these are the words
That escape my lips
“I’m sorry”

~ Purrpetual.

Time Is Just.

A friend of mine failed his exams when the woman he loved left him. Dude couldn’t eat to a point where he almost became anorexic. He got super depressed. I would always tell him to just let it go and focus on him being better for himself and his son. I knew how much he loved that woman. Everyone knew. The break up crushed him so bad he became a monster breaking hearts at will. He had girl after girl after girl. It was a very tough time for him but he eventually pulled through. Today he looked at me and asked me if I remembered the advice I gave him a few years ago. I vividly recall. A few years later he has a steady girlfriend and is doing fine. He is proposing soon. And his ex? Well…she wants him back.

Life is funny. We never know what we have until its gone. Sometimes we need to experience life outside what we are familiar with to appreciate what we had. He was called all sorts of names back then. She got engaged to the guy she met after him but she was never truly happy. The exit is fun. The journey starts out smoothly with so much confidence and courage. Then halfway through things start coming into perspective. It doesn’t always end up this way though. Others genuinely move on and find happiness out there. For some, it’s only regret. I pray I never make a mistake such as that.

As a person who has been rejected, the best you can do is try and fight. When the fight wears you out and all you keep hitting is brick wall after brick wall, take a step back and let go. At least you tried. You gave it your best but it wasn’t enough to change things. Don’t feel bad about it. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just sit down, cry it out then stand up and live life. It will hurt yes. It will take long to heal but you will eventually. The world is big. There could be someone out there waiting for you. Waiting to love you unconditionally. Waiting to take you as you are flaws and all. Keep believing. Time is just.