"We are creatures subject to time and chance, and despite our complexity, we are beautiful all the same."
I went on a date. I went on a date with a woman that blocked me last year. Isn’t that funny?
I had so much fun. We drunk and ate. I reminded her she blocked me and we laughed it off. Life is unpredictable. I do whatever the fuck I want uncurated. She’s a staunch feminist but here we are. Can’t wait to chill again soon. It’s clear we enjoy each other’s company.
I hate that I still love you three years after you broke up with me. I hate that every woman I date I compare to you. I hate that I go to sleep knowing you’re gone forever. I hate that it is as is currently.
I hate that you’re still the one I want
I sipped on my coffee as I watched a young couple take a stroll through the mall. I was having my coffee at Vasilis, Manda Hill. I’m not much of a coffee person unless I’m taking it with gin. But…i digress.
I don’t know why this particular couple piqued my interest. Maybe it’s because it was interracial. The woman was white with nice long black hair. She was wearing tight black jeans and a baby blue strapless top. She seemed soft and very feminine in her demeanor. Maybe because she was pushing a stroller. In it was a baby less than a year old with a pacifier in its mouth and an innocent curiosity in her eyes as she stared at me. The boyfriend was black. Short hair and a clean face with a very content smile. He looked happy.
They sat down across from where I was and ordered some food. They’d barely gone through it when a disheveled and unkempt man staggered through the door towards their table. She looked at him with concern.
disheveled man: hey. How are you? How’s my little munchkin?
Her: I told you to stop following us. If you want to see your child please call beforehand. Also, try getting a shower. You stink.
Her boyfriend gets up and stands slightly between her and the man.
Boyfriend: Hi John. What can we do for you? You’re a sight for sore eyes. Is everything OK?
John stares at him. Smiles. Looks at the woman and nods as if appreciating her beautiful presence with memories of days long gone. He turns to look at the man standing between him and the woman he once loved and says, “She’ll get you too. One day you’ll look in the mirror and the face looking back at you will be mine”. The boyfriend smirks, “I can never be you John. Unlike you, I love her and intend to do right by her. We are getting married” he says while holding her hand in his to show off the engagement ring.
John staggers off.
I observed the brief yet tense interaction with keen curiosity and intrigue. Something was off about it all. In that brief moment, I noticed the body language of the couple. The boyfriend seemed enchanted by her. She seemed nonchalant like she’d been there before.
To be continued….
In the corner of the room was a man, naked. On the other side were two elderly women. In their 50s presumably. And right on the other side of my bed was a big fat baby. I called out Jesus’s name. The man in the corner shrunk further into it then….they all started laughing. I couldn’t understand why. The more I called out his name, the funnier it sounded to them and the closer they moved towards me. I couldn’t move my left hand. One of the women was holding it down and breathing in my face as if to devour me. Then I mumbled something and it became Quiet.
They disappeared. I woke up. It was pitch black. Power had gone. I said a few prayers and in the silence all I could hear was a rhythmic slap. Like a leaking fawcet. A metronome every 30 seconds. I closed my eyes and slept.
I should be sleeping but here I am. Writing my thoughts down at 3AM in Ndola.
After tthe myocardial infarction scare in February, I decided to try and live. Not live in the sense of doing everything I want and checking off bucket lists. But live as in survive. Not for my sake but for my kids. I temporarily stopped taking alcohol hoping that maybe my body might heal faster and I’d be in a better state mentally and….that lasted over 25+ days if I recall correctly. It felt good. Good because here I was trying to do something and actually managing at it.
Then one day after a long and emotionally challenging day, as I walked home I just found myself sitted at the bar a few houses away from my house and it’s been the routine since. As I type this I’m drinking. I’ve got work in 5 hours but I’ll manage.
At the bar I see the same faces every day. Three women in their early 40s drinking until we start leaving the bar one by one at around 9PM. It feels synchronized. Mechanical to some degree. I don’t know their names and I don’t talk to them. I sit alone every time in my little corner watching their animated and sometimes heated exchanges. In my mind, I wonder what draws us there apart from the intoxicating liquid. What demons are we all fighting that we try to drown with liquor?
Anyway. The barman’s name is Mwansa and….it’s hard to heal when everything is crumbling around you and you’re clutching at straws. But I’m grateful to be alive.
PS: Don’t mind the lack of structure. It’s 3AM in Ndola and I’m drinking. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
He decides to go to the office early so that he could meet his supervisor. See, early because this week he’s working night shift (hopefully not for long) meaning he’s to report at 3pm instead of the normal 7pm.
Mandem knocks on the door, “come in”. He walks in and adopts his calmest and most subservient demeanor using the word “sir” at every possible chance he gets. Conversation ends with instructions to see HR.
HR tries to seem as professional as possible. Using reassuring words and seeking a medical report from the hospital so that, “we can make the work environment as conducive as possible for you”. All the time the employee maintains an emotionless demeanor, trying as much as possible to keep a pokerface. He knows the game being played. Termination on medical grounds.
Pawn to E5.
A few hours ago I received a text message that left me feeling uncertain about my immediate future. It left me feeling helpless and I figured, why not preempt the seemingly unavoidable by just quitting? But I won’t do that. Cos we stopped doing that impulsively. It has to be calculated.
I sometimes let my pride get the better of me and I almost did. I am not one to make gods of men. And I will not be turned into one….what I will do however is try to play this corporate game and see how far it takes me. It seems the repercussions of my unfounded alleged affair with my supervisor’s girlfriend are starting to manifest. The pieces on the chess board have started moving. I expected it and was waiting for it. Just didn’t realize it would be this early.
Anywho, iit is what it is. I felt negative emotions when I was told but now I feel emboldened. My resolution is not to fight but to prolong. I’m not happy here anyway so the outcome I foresee is welcome. Just not now.
Infact, tthe news has awoken something in me. A new resolve. Let’s see how this goes.
After exactly one year, 10 months and 3 days, I have finally paid for and moved into the four walls I will call my home for the foreseeable future.
It’s been a very long and mentally challenging journey full of realizations, disappointment, joy, sadness and disrespect. A journey of learning and I’d like to think growth.
March started out on a very crazy note. Got my peanuts paid late. Sent all of it to my father for my kid’s school needs knowing I had a month to sort myself out only to be told to move out following day over some extremely childish shit. I figured I’d overstayed my welcome anyway but, I’d communicated my plans to move out a month before and was convinced we were on the same page. But tjo! Men and their egos when a woman is supposedly involved. Baseless allegations I must add. At least on my end.
Anyway, there I was with nowhere to go. Asked my cousin if i could spend a night ONLY while I made arrangements and…got there. Then got some very condescending and disrespectful texts. I immediately got up, got my bags and left with no proper alternative plan in mind. I was tempted to call my ex but banished that thought with the swiftness of The Flash. Lol.
I spent the next few days sleeping in public places and still making it for work. I’d leave my bags at SGC opposite Kasenshi Mall here in Ndola then pick them up after. That’s how I found out it’s a 24 hour store. I almost decided to hitchhike back to Lusaka but…my kids need every penny I can lay my hands on right now. We shall keep looking for better opportunities while earning what is currently available.
Anyway, today I managed to pay for these four walls. I don’t even care about the state of this place and the unusual arrangement. I’m just glad I can finally leave work without worrying about where I will lay my head at the end of the day. I just have to find a way to get a mattress and some beddings. No longer a hobo but still kinda a hobo. Well, a hobo with a roof over his head and kids that I hope know that their dad is doing the best he can considering the circumstances.
I pray for better opportunities. I pray I live long enough to change our fortunes. We’ve been there before. We will get back there again. Until then, we strive and push. .
I wasn’t ready. God gave me everything I needed or thought I needed and I wasn’t ready. He gave me a good job with good pay at a award winning multinational company. He gave me five beautiful kids and added two more beautiful daughters. He gave me a beautiful home and family and gave an ambitious, highly intelligent and focused woman for a partner and…i wasn’t ready. I thought I was. But…i wasn’t ready.
They say God won’t give you what you can’t handle. I suppose he had faith and belief in my capabilities but…i wasn’t ready. So he took it away. Disrupted it all so that the next time it’s given to me I will be ready. I will be prepared to handle and manage it all.
I’m grateful for the lesson. I needed it. I know I’m still not ready but I’m better prepared now. Slowly but surely I’m earning my stripes back. Awaiting for the greatest challenge of them all when he hands everything back tenfold. I will not cry for the highest mountain until I’m fully comfortable climbing hills.
God. I hear you. I see you. Thank you.
Miracles come to those who need it the most. A few weeks ago I received two calls that I can’t describe. The first call came on a Sunday afternoon asking me to move out of a house I was staying in because a potential client was moving in the following day. The second call came on a Monday evening telling me to travel out of town for a job opportunity. Talk about timing.
Back story. When I left my job In May 2022, I basically lost everything. An income, a roof over my head and the love of my life. Please note that she didn’t leave because I had no income. She left because I hurt her. Just clarifying. Moving on. I spent a few months at a friend’s house in Silverest Gardens. While sending application letters to every company that I felt suited for, I tried my hand at Yango to keep an income stream going. Yango is a version of Uber or Bolt owned by Yandex, a company currently owned by Ridetech. The experience was great. I got to meet lots of interesting people. Some days were good. Others were hell. But that’s customer service in a nutshell. I stopped because it wasn’t working for me. I was basically working to raise cash in for the car owner so I stopped. In November 2022, my friend got a job in another area so I had to move. I had nowhere to go. I spent a few nights at a lodge in Chamba Valley of Lusaka working odd jobs just to raise room and abode paying approximately 8 USD a night and sometimes going without food. While chatting with a friend one day, he proposed I move to his vacant house in Ibex Hill. Ibex Hill is one of those suburbs where prominent people live. On my road, my neighbor was Dora Siliya, a former member of parliament for Petauke and former minister of Information under the Patriotic Front government in Zambia.
So I moved in under the condition that I’d move immediately a tenant was found. It took long to find one, to my advantage. Anyway, a few days before being asked to move, I got in touch with a friend about tagging along to his speaking and training events just so I could at least gain first hand experience on corporate training and team building. He agreed. Mainly because he credits me for being one of the reasons he went into that type of business after one of the training sessions he attended that I facilitated at our former workplace. It was fun. He’d ask me to speak and chip in but it was clear I was suffering from Imposter Syndrome. He understood and was very supportive and encouraging. I appreciate it. Sidenote: watching him in front of those people facilitating was such an experience. He truly is a master of his craft. The confidence. The articulation. The knowledge. An exceptional speaker.
Friday we facilitate a team building and management training for microfin at Mika Convention Center in Waterfalls area of Chongwe Town. We have fun. We make arrangements to meet on Monday so that we see how they can fuse me into their work environment as a subcontractor. Mind you I’m still suffering from imposter syndrome so I’m not being tapped in to work solo at this point but at least it’s a positive discussion. Sunday afternoon, that call comes. Now I’m making mental arrangements on where I’m going to take the little furniture I have left. Not particularly worried about where I’ll sleep because I always make a plan. Monday evening I receive that call asking me to move. I have to be there by lunch. I’m broke. I need bus fare. I need lodge money. What do I do? But God yea?
I make it slightly after lunch and sign my contract two days later. In all this I’m just laughing because…God and his timing right? I don’t even know how to thank God for this gift that came at a time when I desperately needed it. I’ll be honest enough to say I had concerns about moving here due to personal reasons but…i needed this new start. Not just for me but for my kids as well. So every personal thing that was asking me to reject it was inconsequential. Unimportant. It’s not about me at this point. Only a fool says “No” to God. I know I’m starting from the very bottom. The difference this time is that I know better. I thank God for his timing. God’s timing leads to the right alignment. God’s plan indeed. We build from here.
What did I learn? God is real. God is great. God is faithful. God is dependable. I learnt that no situation is permanent. When you reach the very bottom, keep your head and trust that you shall overcome. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s always important to have something worth living for. Something worth fighting for. Worth holding on to. I owe my kids a better life. I owe my father a success story. I owe my future partner a better life and great partner.
I Am Molo. 